I'm Ashamed of Myself

Really, I'm ashamed.

My last post was on April 1. April 1!

Would you believe me if I told you that I posted every other day and somehow, someway, the posts did not update? That I've been diligently writing out blog posts and posting glorious pictures all this time. I wondered why I wasn't getting any comments...

I do not know why I lapse in blogging this time of year. I did it last year too. It's not depression - that's January. It's not that I'm terribly busy - that was basketball season. It may be the end of the school year rush/blahs.

Every year around March, it becomes so tedious to do schoolwork. Everyone complains and feels entitled to days off or shorter days of work. We all are ready for a change, to be outside, to throw our books to the wind...

When the boys were younger, I did just that. Come March or April, I would plod through a few more weeks and then just declare us done. And it worked for us. We would play outside, explore creek beds, catch and raise tadpoles. Life learning.

But now that I have older kids, there are things they must complete - like it or not. Algebra I and Literature. Handwriting and blah, blah, blah.

We are almost finished though. One more week and we are finished with school, headed to camp, and celebrating my first-born's birthday.

I've always heard that time flies. That raising your children goes by in a flash. That 'this too shall pass'. And though I never doubted it, I didn't quite grasp it while in the midst of chaos and young children, fights and tears, exhaustion, food preparation, and housekeeping.

I'm starting to grasp it.

I have moments of actual...boredom. Moments when I find myself wandering around the house asking everyone if they will play a game with me or read a book with me. Build with legos or take a walk in the woods.

More and more often, they all say no. They don't just come out and say 'no', they will say something like, 'Maybe in a few minutes, mom.'

I'm entering a new phase of life here. And I don't like it. It pains me to the point of tears. I don't even want to admit it. But here it is, nipping at my heels like a tenacious bulldog.

So maybe, just maybe, that is part of the reason for the lack of blogging. Maybe my blog was such a part of capturing those memories that it's just too painful to realize that things are changing. Oh sure, there are still so many moments of boys, moments of family time, moments of sheer embarrassment.

Things are just changing. That's all.