There Was an Old Lady

There was a lady who went to WalMart. Her three boys had been nagging her to let them spend their Christmas money, and tonight seemed like the perfect night to spend it.

After they checked out, the lady, who we'll call Ellen E., could not find her keys in her purse. She did all the normal things like retracing her steps and peering into her van, but still no keys could be found.

She obtained a flashlight from WalMart, and her boys climbed willy-nilly across the van while shining a light in from all directions.

Still no keys.

She tried to call her husband, but alas, he did not answer. She knew he was practicing with lots of loud musicians, but figured if she called him non-stop, eventually he would hear the phone in between songs.

After making seven trips in and out of the store, she realized that the old man greeter at the door had told her good-bye every single time, as well as wished her a Happy New Year every single time. She decided that he was not a very sharp guard.

The manager at the store told her that there was a guy who would open her doors for just $40. Ellen E. politely refused.

She spied a kind, young woman standing outside the doors who had been waiting for some time as well. Ellen E. asked her if she needed a phone to make a call and the girl gladly accepted. This nice young girl was the wife of a state trooper, who eventually came to assist Ellen E.

The trooper assured our friend Ellen E. that her car was made securely and was very difficult to break into. He called in back-up. While the two men worked very diligently, their light caught upon certain items of interest in the car. Their conversation was light, friendly, but bordered on sarcasm. Ellen E. saw sideways glances and suppressed smiles from the men in blue.

Was that the keys? No, sir, that was just a tampon.

Maybe the keys fell into that stray shoe under the console. The one with the french fries in it? No, the one next to it, the baby girl shoe. Doesn't this lady have boys?

Ellen E. assured the troopers that if they unlocked her car, they could have all they wanted to eat off of the floor of the car.

About two hours after the whole thing started, Ellen E's husband pulled up, jumped out, and demanded to know what was going on and why were two men trying to break into his wife's van.

But all was well in the end as Ellen's husband simply unlocked her doors and her keys were right under the McDonald's napkin. You know, exactly where one would suspect. Ellen E. and her new friend, the trooper's wife, exchanged hugs and emails.

Her three boys, clothed in shorts (of course), thought the entire evening was a blast and wanted to know when they could do it again. Climbing on vans, police troopers, and their mother giving them money to spend at the WalMart McDonald's.

As for Ellen E., she got into her car with a new resolve, a new determination, a new passion: To not have a horse shoe, a stray potato, or any sort of undergarment littering her car floor in 2010.

Or at least not where anyone can spot them.