Do You Feel It?

I feel it. It's in the air.

The seasons are changing.

I don't like it.

Oh sure, in theory I like the crunching of leaves and all the different textures that are left on the trees right now. I like the pumpkins at the store and talk of what to wear for Halloween. I like the cooler weather and I love getting out clothes that I haven't worn in a while. I really do.

But my body knows.

It knows that the cold, dark days of winter are coming. Looming just beyond the painted trees. It's there. And it's coming for me.

I crave pumpkin pie and sweet potato casserole. Heck, I make them in September just because I can't wait for the holidays. We have already begun our Halloween crafts and candy-buying. We talk of Thanksgiving all the time. Christmas is my favorite day of the year. And yet, and yet.

I feel as if I'm being stalked. Stalked by the darkness, the depression, the short days and long nights. I want winter arrested.

So although I am sitting on the deck enjoying a hot cup of coffee while watching all the boys play football, I am really struggling to live in this moment, without fear hanging over me like Eeyore's dark cloud. I fear the darkness.

I know everyone has their differing opinions on depression and anti-depressants. I've heard for years and years that if you believe and trust God enough you won't be sad... I've heard that the mind is the thing that Satan loves to control...I've heard scriptures spouted from well-meaning non-depressed people...I've tried herbal remedies, exercise, counseling...you name it. And always, at some point of the year, when I'm struggling the most, someone will always tell me how anti-depressants are from the devil and that if I get low enough, maybe I will finally turn to God. Hubbawha??? BUT, also, close on the heels of every 'message' that someone has against anti-depressants, I am surrounded and embraced by people who have walked through those dark nights themselves, who love God...but still suffer from depression.

And at the end of every day, I am loved by God, who made me and who knows me better than anyone.

I want to believe that someday I will be free from this. I think a lot of people with chronic illness, be it diabetes or depression or whatever, just get tired of being saddled with it. It's a nuisance at best and a tightening noose, a devouring beast, at it's worst.

For now though, this is me. And although I love the fall and all it brings, I feel, just for now, the chill of winter setting in.