Poopwad McDorcus'

That's what they all are - Poopwad McDorcus'.

All of you who are or have moved away. Shame on you. Getting me to like you and getting all chummy/friendy with me and then just up and moving. Poopwads, you are.

I distinctly remember a very passionate discussion that Jon and I had once. No, not that kind of passionate, you weirdos. If you've ever had a serious discussion with Jon, you know that when he gets going, he tends to pound one fist into his other hand and wave his hands all over the place. I stray...

One of Jon's friends was in the middle of writing a play and he had entrusted Jon with his only copy of the play. He wanted Jon to read it over and give his opinion. Obvious to me though, was the fact that he didn't really want an opinion. He had spent years and years on this play and it was his pride and joy. The only problem was that, well, plainly put, it weren't any good. It was dull and boring and churchy and like reading the bible word for word. The problem was that Jon thought the same thing that I did and just didn't know what to tell his friend. After Jon lamented over this fact for some time, it was then that I summed things up for him.

"See, Jon. This is why I don't have friends. They require something of you and drain you of energy and make you worry and fret. Family, I have to spend time and energy on. It's just a given. So why in the world would I knowingly and willingly go into another relationship, of my own free will, when ultimately, it will just mean work for me?"

See, I had given this no-friend thing a lot of thought. I didn't come about it lightly. I liked being alone and I liked just being with my teeny-tiny children. I liked not talking on the phone and I hated having company or entertaining. (I'm painting a really pretty picture here, aren't I?) This wasn't just some random comment that I made to Jon. It was my way of packaging it up all neat and tidy.

Needless to say, my crowd-loving, people-hugging husband was never pleased with this theory. He tried and tried to change me and I tried and tried too in our early years, but once my line was drawn and my jaw was set, there was no changing. I loved being at home on the floor playing with the boys and he did too. But for some reason, after being home for a long time, he had this longing to go out and be amongst the peoples. Go figure.

Okay, so times have changed a bit and so have we. I still need my space and he still needs his peoples. It's just that we both have grown and stretched ourselves and I'll admit it...I like people. Well, some people. You people. No really, I have great friends now and I love having friends.

Until they stinking up and move. This causes me to rethink the whole friend thing.

When I met Elaine, yeah, she moved cause she's among the poopwad friends who do that... but anyway, when I met her, I promptly told her that I couldn't be her friend because she was moving. And then I proceeded to tell her that if I became her friend and she moved, I would be sad and why in the world would I want that? (Oh stop judging - I apologized later, okay??)

A couple of years ago, three of my more 'mature' friends moved away and they were some very loving, very maternal women in my life. All in the course of a year. They moved. Gone. Just like that.

And now, NOW, the same thing is happening again to my peoples. Moving. Gone. The stinking Stroms are moving to some stupid camp in Red River to do some sort of mission-type work. Dirtbags. And THEN we found out that some of our greatest, dearest, sweetest, most encouraging, I'm-always-in-your-corner friends are moving far, FAR away.

Poopwads.

All of you movers are poopwads.

I'm not selfless like you are. If I had to move or had a wonderful opportunity to move, the poopwad friends would encourage me and celebrate with me. I'm not like that, okay? I'm selfish and want my friends all snug around me.

So I've decided to interview people before I can actually become friends with them. Question number one will be: Do you plan or even entertain the idea of moving over thirty miles away at any point during your lifetime?
2) Would you move if offered double your salary?
3) Would you do it if God called you?

Any yes or even slightest hesitation to these questions would immediately disqualify the masses of people that, I'm sure, would apply to be my friend. It's sort of a myspace, facebook thing. You ask to be a friend and someone can either refuse or accept.

I like this concept. And I don't like Poopwad McDorcus friends who move.

There, end of rant. I feel much better.