Letting Go

I'm not good at letting go. I'm just not. I am very sentimental also, which sort of goes along with the letting go part. I still have all of the boys umbilical cord stumps...along with the first band-aids that they wore. Letting go ~ can't do it.

But here we are on Tuesday night and Jon and Jonah are leaving in just over 24 hours for their trip to Honduras. The house is littered with hiking packs and walking sticks, boots and all sorts of toiletries (3 ounces or less, of course). When Jon went on his first trip to Honduras, I never flinched. I was excited for him and I knew that he would be fine. But this time...it's just so out of my control. My little Jonah is going. My just under 13 year-old son is going with his papa on this journey. I am terribly excited for him. I envy the relationship that Jonah has with Jon, and I can't imagine what this will do to solidify that love for each other. It's just...so far away. There's just so many things on this trip that are out of my hands. There's the taking off and flying and landing. Twice. There's the ride on a truck for hours. There's terrible health problems and livng conditions in Honduras as well as a bit of danger in general. There's the danger of the jobs that they will be doing. And he's 12...

I really, really want him to go. I do. I would not take this away from him. This is the perfect way to begin teenage years. I want him to carry this with him throughout his life. I can't imagine what my life would have been like with an opportunity like this in my early, formative years and even more importantly, what having support and love like Jonah has would have done for me. Those guys that he is going with are great guys.

But...it's just so out of my hands. I know that I keep lamenting that same fact, but my heart keeps relaying that same message to my head. My son, my little Jonah, born at 5 pounds 8 ounces, going on a mission trips with the big dogs.

I think this is where faith comes in. I've done all the safety precautions that I can do and now I need to just pray and let God be in control. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but I'm working on it. When Jonah was first in our lives, he was on an apnea monitor for two months. Whenever he would stop breathing or whenever his breathing would drop below a normal range, the alarm would go off, day or night. It was heart-stopping. When we were getting ready to go off of the alarm, I worried. Without the monitor, I would have no early warning signal to start his breathing again. I would have no way to save him before it was too late. It was then that I knew ~ there are only so many things that I can do to keep my baby safe. I can educate myself, make my best informed decision, protect him as best as I can...and then let him go and have a little faith.

So, as we wind down this crazy packing night, I am trying very, very hard to open my hand, breathe a deep breath,

and let go...